2007 in review

I’ve rattled on a lot about how this year I experienced more and did more than any other year. How it’s changed me and challenged me. As 2007 winds down, I looked back at my “life goals” list(s) to see what I had tucked away for those days that I need to step back and look at my priorities.

This year, in spite of it being an exhilarating adventure, it’s been a test. This year, without realizing where I was headed, I did the “find myself and try new things” thing. I took that path and hung out with a variety of people. In January, I started hanging out with an acquaintance that ended up being my first love. The first boy I kissed, the first boy I stayed out late with and the first boy I drank with. Yes, it took me to my 21st year to try all that.

Our travels took me on adventures that while looking back on them seem irresponsible, are the types of things that I will remember about college and will give me some good stories to tell my family. I finally have stories that are “life experience” worthy that you just have to experience for the sake of the story.

Like the time I went to Harpers Ferry after an ice storm to go sledding and stayed at someone’s house I didn’t know too well (which at the time seemed like a bigger deal that it really is). Or the time I went hiking for the first time and did almost 8 miles. I wanted to die a couple times on that trail, but the view from the top of Maryland Heights will forever live with me and the sense of accomplishment from seeing the top of the rock will always be a proud moment.

There was the time I had my first encounter with the law for picking up a kayak that was worth over $1000 … we didn’t know that it wasn’t really abandoned, just left overnight.

In March I traveled to my (first) hometown to apply for an internship that would potentially put me living 4 hours away from home for 12 weeks. Fortunately, that one didn’t work out and instead I lived in Shepherdstown and worked in Martinsburg. This ended up being the best decision. I learned to cook, I learned to make decisions for myself and I had to figure out a lot of things for myself.

In September, just over a month into the full ranks of editor in chief of The Picket, I was verbally assaulted in the newsroom for a decision I made. I was tested in my academic-professional life and it prepared me for my role even more.

I believe some people are brought into your life as acquaintances to teach you something about yourself, the world and to influence your taste in music. My taste in music is now quite varied. I tripled my digital music library and now enjoy a wide range of artists. That’s not all that’s varied. A lot of people have come into my life. It’s proved to be a very diverse year socially and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Despite all the good it’s provided – pushing me in the way I think, interact and react to things that happen, it’s been challenging seeing myself change. I’ve sat in bathroom stalls hours from home talking to my parents wanting to cry because sometimes I don’t understand the changes I’m undergoing and it scares me. I don’t know what I’m doing half the time and I don’t know how to explain that to my parents who want me to be the same person I was 6 years ago, playing out in the yard and coming in to watch TV.

So as I sit down and reflect on what 2007 was like and what I’m hoping for in 2008, the possibilities are endless. For one thing I know I want to slow down and not spread myself so thin. This semester I have three classes, my internship and The Picket. And in March, this year instead of trying out internships, I’m going to be trying on San Francisco. I’m going on a trip I’ve always wanted to take.

I graduate May 17, and on May 18, I have no plans. I have no idea what I’ll be doing but I know sometime between now and then, I’ll figure it out, and that’s ok. Everyone is asking what I plan on doing after I graduate. Where do you want to go? Do you want to stay around here? Are you going to go home? I don’t know, maybe and no. I don’t want to move back to Romney. There is nothing here for me. I’m willing to relocate. I’m willing to stay in Shepherdstown and work in the nearby area. I’m willing to move. Wherever God takes me … it will be perfect.

I need to stop rushing, stop trying to please everyone at the same time. I need to get my priorities straight and focus on the things that matter. I need to take care of myself.

So along with the big stuff — like graduating, I want to do something for me – like taking lessons or picking up a hobby that I can enjoy. I’d love to start up riding lessons again, or learn to play the piano (or the drums)! I want to pick up my camera, read and not feel like I have to spread myself so thin so people like me. I need to remember my parents deserve my attention. I no longer see or know my aunts, uncles and my unlimited supply of cousins and I need to hold on to the family I have.

Looking at 2007 I realize I did a lot. I tried something new. I thought outside the box. I embraced the moment. I took a hike. I went to LOTS of concerts. I love concerts. I love hiking. I’ve also learned that taking a risk with a person doesn’t always result the way you hope it does. In fact, sometimes, it scars you more than you realize.

Call it self-discovery, but I’m coming around. I’m finally realizing who I am and maintaining my focus, and looking toward the future instead of dwelling on the past.

Christmas

No two Christmas season’s are ever a like for my family. They’re always different, filled with new traditions and without lots of aunts and uncles or grandmothers.

This year, there was a shadow looming over the house. Between my step-mom’s brother’s failing health, the uncertainty of my dad’s upcoming back surgery and a wide range of personal conflicts with myself and my step-siblings, the full Christmas spirit wasn’t there.

On Sunday afternoon my step-mom caught a stomach virus that we are guessing started at our family gathering in Berryville. Over 28 people in our family got it. Dad and I got it today.

Our immediate family gathering wasn’t the same this year – there was no shrimp feast in the dining room, my 3 year old nephew was absent and my step-sister didn’t arrive till after 10 p.m. when everyone was nearly asleep in the living room.

Yesterday’s celebration with my mom and her husband was an outpouring of wonderful food. I tease my mom that she learned to cook when she got remarried. Somehow, my step-dad has convinced her to use fresh ingredients and she now looks up recipes on her own.

Over the course of the past few days, I’ve been discussing with my parents something I’ve been struggling with for the past few months, something that has physically, emotionally and spiritually drained me. I haven’t been myself lately. I’m different when I’m home. And my family has noticed that the joy and life has been literally sucked right out of me.

I can blame it on stress; on senior year or taking on too much. But a lot of it is my own fault. The guy I was dating toward the beginning of the year still has a lot over me. His manipulative ways have a lot of control over me and despite my generally strong and independent nature, I’ve let it get the best of me.

I still very much have a desire to hold on to something that is not there and something that is completely wrong for me. I started doing things that weren’t me to keep his attention and that turned into impressing the wrong crowd. My time, money and other resources were abused and I recognize that.

Being home for the past couple days has allowed personal time with each of my parents and it’s been a time of true confessions and asking for help. I was nervous talking to my mom, but in the end, it was a relief to not be hiding from her anymore.

My new year’s resolution is to weed out anything that has a negative impact on my life. In my mind, that means not answering certain phone calls, avoiding certain crowds and dedicating more time for myself and my old friends who I’ve lost contact with. I’m even thinking about picking up riding lessons or something to do something for myself.

It’s going to take every ounce of willpower but I have to do this in order to survive and not go under. I need to go back to making deliberate decisions and deciding what’s best for me and not everyone else. I have to stop spreading myself so thin or there will be nothing left.

I’ve realized that the reason I’ve been so willing to relocate after graduation to escape this whole situation. Being home has been healing. I almost don’t want to go back to life on my own because I’m scared of myself and what I’m capable of doing. I hate living like this.

To my friends that read this (mainly Jeff), I will be depending on you all more than ever and hope that if nothing else, we can hang out more than we used to. I miss my friends that I never see anymore.

This has gotten long enough, but just know, that despite all the emotional stress and being sick, being with family and knowing that your parents love you despite your faults no matter how disappointing they are, is the best Christmas gift I could ask for.

Merry Christmas all!

I just wanna dance … not necessarily with my shirt off

If I wasn’t at my office, I’d be at home in a t-shirt and jeans dancing to Muscles ”Ice Cream.” I seriously have to buy this album the next time I get paid.

It’s warm in my office and yet again, I’m overdressed. There is no in between in my wardrobe unless I can wear jeans. I can easily dress jeans up with what I have, but I am lacking when it comes to “business casual.”

Like, whoa

It’s day two. Yesterday, after working only four hours (that’ll pay the bills, baby), I went back to Shepherdstown, stopped in to see a couple friends and then went home to change and make one of the best meals I’ve ever made. No, seriously.

Last week when we were in a pinch for ingredients, we came up with a new pasta concoction. The main ingredient? Well for one, Vodka sauce. And hamburger, spinach and some penne pasta. Yum-o.

Afterwards, as I was washing every. pot. in. the. house., I got a phone call about my story and needed to go back in to update a story that ran on the front today. I seriously punched the air with my fists and gleefully got ready to go back into the office. I’m not sure why, but at that present moment,  I was excited about having to go somewhere.

I found out once I got back, that final grades have been posted and I passed Biology. It was a huge sigh of relief. I don’t think I realized how much that had been wearing on my subconscious.

And then, today? After doing a story at 9 a.m. (that’s too early people) about a man who makes candy canes, I came back to the office and got the word to place my order for this:

.

I promptly updated my Amazon list because it’s mine. And I got it for only $449.

Currently … (mainly hum-drum observations)

It’s my first day back at The Journal. It’s strange to be back where I was for 12 weeks over the summer. I’m doing the same exact thing. The staff meetings always make me laugh. Everyone here has such a dry sense of humor.

I love people and the conversations I have with them on the phone when I’m working on a story. An example:

“Would it be better if I come down there to talk to you?”

“I’m at the bar now …. I’m not much of a talker.”

Alrighty then.

Last night I did my laundry, went grocery shopping, baked muffins and put all my stuff away. Afterwards, I sat around impaitiently looking at the clock waiting to leave for Bible study. It’s too quiet in the apartment so I’m sure I’ll be leaving the TV on for some background noise.

I recently got a surge of new music. I have Rooney on repeat …. and The Format. Driving to work was a lot more fun with new tunes.

I’ve recently decided that I love work clothes and dressing up. I have much more confidence and walk taller in heels than I do in my beloved New Balances. In anticipation of having to dress up more in the near future, this is a good thing I suppose.

Slightly more exciting; I will soon have a new reason to start taking pictures again … because I’m about 90 percent sure I’m ordering a Canon Rebel XTi in the very near future.

Thinking that the work day is going to end early for me today.

Home again

Thursday afternoon I headed home for the first time in 2 weeks to see my family, and within the first few hours I got to enjoy what I love the most about my hometown – the people.

Dad and I went to the grocery store and I ran into two former school teachers, an uncle and the manager that helped me when I lost my dad’s debit card over Thanksgiving break.

I’m not anxious anymore about school or going back, I’ve just been enjoying the time with my family, playing board games, eating dinner and going out.

I’ve finally started my Christmas shopping and still have a lot to do, but I have ideas and that’s all that matters.

While Romney may mean familiarity, Shepherdstown is freedom. It’s walking in the street in the middle of the night bonding with friends.

I get ideas of stuff to write about just as I’m falling asleep but I’ve been doing lots of thinking again about past loves and the future and what different people have brought to my life. This year has been such a test for me but I’ve loved it.

16 weeks later …

Ok, so, as far as I know, I’m in the clear. I made it through the most stressful semester thus far. I’m done with my senior thesis, my last English class and (fingers crossed), biology.

After I left my Biology exam and sold my books back, it took a while to sink in that all the preparation and build up to this dreaded day; having two exams and a 5 page paper due on the same day. I have one semester left, and from what I can tell, it may be my easiest yet.

For the past 16 weeks, I’ve been somewhat secluded from society. Granted, I’ve gone to more movies this year than I have … ever, but I have no idea what’s going on in television. A scarce idea of what’s going on in the news (sad, I know), and commercials? Forget it.

My goal over break is to chill out.  I have a list of things I want to do, like watch the movies I didn’t get to see in theater, to cook all the stuff my room mates won’t eat (mainly curry) and to go to O’Hurley’s.

I haven’t started Christmas shopping and when I woke up this morning I looked rough. I look like I’ve been running on steam for way too long.

Farewell hellatious (sorry mom) semester. I’m looking forward to breathing and catching up.